i got home the next day, in a pretty good mood but was then immediately thrown into frustration with e again — he had said he’d do 3 things that day and he didn’t do them, he still hasn’t done one of them and it’s been a week. albeit he did other things. again i was disappointed. i felt like i was lied to again, that ‘promises’ made to me weren’t being taken seriously. that i wasn’t being taken seriously. but i had had a lot of time to think about it and i knew what i didn’t want for myself. i didn’t want to be someone’s keeper. i didn’t want to feel like my husband’s mom. i wanted the brain space to be focused on myself and what i wanted to do, not what someone else is supposed to do. our dynamic was getting toxic, i was starting to resent him, and i needed to pull myself out of it. i asked him to chat that night and i told him all this. he confirmed that he didn’t feel like he was lying because in the moment when he says he’s going to do those things, he means to. and i believe him, but it doesn’t take away the constant deep disappointment of expectations being unmet. But by this time I had already snapped back into my usual self an was ready to make changes that I thought would serve both myself and him. although the urge to form a protective cocoon around myself was high. i don’t think much has changed practically, other than my expectation and understanding of him. we’re still trying the same system and tasks and roles have not changed. i think it’s more so just me letting go of the expectation that everyone can operate like how i do and if something doesn’t happen, it’s not on me. and if i really want something done and it’s not done, i just do it. there’s a part in me that thinks this is unfair but in relationships, sometimes it is necessary to keep the harmony, it’s better that someone concedes. it’s better than me turning into a annoyed naggy waifu all the time.
i feel a lot better today. my brain is back to ‘normal’ — i’m not sure but a level of disinterest helps. or maybe i’m just good at forgetting. especially after that heavy nap i had. of which i could not wake up. i set the alarm for 45 minutes but my body and head felt heavy, like something was pressing on it, weighing it down when i tried to wake up. i don’t think anything could have pulled me out of it, felt like i was drugged. the reason i stopped taking nyquil. in vietnamese, the term is that a ghost is sitting on you. my head still ached when i got up, although it got better and then the ache turned into a dull feeling that just kept me in bed watching anime and obsessing about it the rest of the night. 👻 the glass of wine helped too.
i cried a lot today. sobbed even. sitting at my desk in the nook. i just then got really tired and went to bed. hoping it’ll just pass. maybe just being hormonal. but something seems like it’s brewing back up.
woke up yesterday with readiness and sleep scores above 90, but the day did not go well.
i got really triggered by the house, the laundry that had been sitting in the laundry room and then spilled into the kitchen. the comforter that had been sitting in the washing machine for two days and then now was sitting in the dryer for another two. the cat food that was not put away. the pile of clothing that keeps re-accumulating on top of the pink, green, and brown rwandan fabric i had neatly laid on the weaved chest i love looking at. the litter sitting in the toilet. the toilet not being flushed. in combination with just having cleaned the house just a few days ago. i lost my sht. i’m not sure if i could have handled it better, but i was also sick of being the one to have to always handle it better. why is it always me to have to pick up the slack? who helps me pick up my slack? no one. and i’m not saying i need someone to, i think i have my sht handled pretty well. why can’t others just keep up their end of the bargain? i’m not even asking them to do anything for me.
and then at the end of the day, i was tired, just sitting there with nothing to eat, nothing to drink and he just keeps on pouring himself one drink after another. never asking if i want to go, but i think it was fine. but then i was just cranky from the day. so when my nose got smacked and he kept asking how i was but in a kind of joking mocking laughing way, ugh!
anyway, he seemed really sad in the morning and i guess i should have been better about how i expressed my feelings. and i guess today is a new day.
been dreaming a lot. or rather been waking up in the middle of rem sleep a lot and not getting enough of it. been feeling pretty fatigued this month. again, i blame hormones for this horrible, broken sleep pattern.
and the dreams have not been good ones. they are always filled with something going wrong, or some sort of anxiousness. i wake up grateful knowing it was just a dream. there are some that just straight horror. broken bloody limbs and bones. perhaps it’s just the book i’m reading — a court of mist and fury. immersing myself in just one book at a time. i found i was reading 5+ books simultaneously and it did not feel satisfying, never finishing a book and having to switch between different worlds. like the feeling you get when you hop around too much when traveling.
played overcooked yesterday with the fam and i was definitely the weakest link, but i’m starting to embrace stuff like that more now. even started playing a first-person, get-motion-sickness-after-20-minutes game with ernest. and this time around he has been very patient… unlike with mario! 😤
i was raised to be obedient and the definition of obedience included also just being good at everything. math. piano. ALL subjects in school.
so if i am not good at something it feels really bad. i literally feel shame and embarrassment. so much so that i just stop doing it. if i’m not immediately good at it i can come up with a million excuses as to why i don’t want to do it but mostly i’m just scared of others seeing me not doing it well. i see it as my own personal flaw, it’s cause i’m too stupid, slow, or dumb — my brain doesn’t work properly for me to be able to perform this task. if it’s a group activity, i’m going to let people down or hold back the group. but more recently, i think this type of pressure has been lifted from us in society in general (at least how i see gen alpha being raised). seems like there was more of an emphasis on immediate perfection when i was growing up. kids getting praised for magically just being good at something, having natural talent. what about the rest of us? i’m not advocating for just giving out As for effort, but somewhere in between seems like a good place to help motivate people do the hard things.
i think after i learned that it takes at least 10,000+ for anyone to be an expert at anything, that made me feel better. have i put my 10k hours into coding or guitar, no. then why do i expect to be good at it? and the studies about the brain being very malleable and things like how sleep is so important to imprinting learning have helped me reshape my approach to learning/doing things, rethinking my unrealistic expectations of being insta-good at everything.
but beyond those stats and studies (which could be true or not… i understand it’s complicated), i have had two personal experiences where this has proven to be true for me.
- reading war and peace 10 pages at a time
- sucking at ski lessons and then being a super star (in the loosest sense) the next day
i was reading another book one day and realized how easy it was coming to me. i was enjoying reading like i had as a child again. i used to be a major bookworm and somehow had lost it. it just took putting in the practice and time to be able to return back to it.
and it was super rewarding to come upon this realization. that my brain can get unstuck if i just keep at something, consistently enough. without the unreal expectations adults were putting on me, so many new paths have opened and learning how to do something is so much more fun and less ridden with anxiety. the anxiousness is still there but i’m better at stepping past it now. i have all the time and space i need now to do whatever i want to do. no need to be good at anything, right off the bat. keke
embracing that i’m probably the least experienced writer in my memoir class right now, i probably get the most out of it. hoping one day i can give better advice and feedback to other writers. just have to keep on writing. consistently i guess. which has been quite a struggle… hoping this blog will help fix that.
“Here’s an abstract moral question. In 2825, humanity discovers a planet whose entire surface is covered by a single giant alien squid. The squid feels all emotions 10 trillion times deeper than any human. Also, the squid enjoys eating humans. A super-powerful AI calculates that the utility of the universe would be vastly increased if all humans were fed to the squid. The AI would never do anything without consent, but it is very persuasive. What percentage of current Western adults would agree that it is morally correct for the AI to try to convince all humans to agree to allow themselves to be fed to the alien squid? Give a number.” -dyno might
um so yea, if it would create an overall jump in happiness, then i personally agree although i think most western adults would not. is it cause i’m half asian/have collective values? i actually just chalk it up to star trek next gen, that one episode — captain picard not wanting to harm an unknown blobby jellyfish like thingy even though it was sucking all the energy from the ship but they had to shoot a beam at it anyway and then it died and turned out that it was just protecting its baby who was now motherless because of “us.” so then the rest of the episode he did everything he could to get it to safety. ***swoooon***
but in reality, when push comes to shove, i probably wouldn’t sacrifice myself and my entire species for a squid, but you don’t know unless you’ve been tested. guess one question would be if the humans would feel pain when they are being eaten. or would they just look and feel like those cute little nigiri to the left there.
the weekend hasn’t even started yet and i’m so tired already. as per usual, i blame hormones. drinking that big irish whiskey on the rocks after getting back from sacramento probably wasn’t the best idea, but rest in peace. it’s funny how after just seeing someone for maybe 30-40 times in my life and not saying much to them each time, you still get a sense of attachment. something about him gave me the sense that he was a kind man, always made me feel welcome from day one. and somehow knowing that he has known ernest all his life made him feel more like family. i burned a candle for him last night, one of xtine’s traditions, it felt nice. traditions are nice. it’ll be sad not to see him at thanksgiving this year.
been a long time and lots has happened, think i’m ready to come back, to do less forced writing.
had the urge to start a new blog, but since this one is deemed unsafe, it’s private enough. and how many blogs do i have floating out there. wish everything was in one place, but this is a good place to start/come back to.
